How did I get that job? Alvin and the Chipmunks
Seriously. That’s how it all started.
I was minding my own business, blissfully enjoying the summer sunshine and occasionally writing goofy off-topic stuff for a blog that isn’t even mine.
Sure, I had plans. Big plans. I had planned to apply for unemployment benefits just as soon as summer ended.
But before then I was going to be on the road, lapping up low tides, making pickles and hitting all the plays in Ashland.
I had mapped out my summer weeks ago and it didn’t involve getting a new job. No resume to fill out. No cover letter to write. No strategic plan whatsoever that didn’t involve swimming or hunting for agates.
But then the weirdest little chain of events started – events that were so perfect in their orderliness and happenstance that it was as if every tumbler in a vault lock had magically clicked into place.
How weird? Remember that post about Alvin and the Chipmunks?
Innocuous. Silly.
But someone named Jane made this comment: “First, I’d like to nominate Laura Grimes for president.”
Mr. Scatter and I briefly considered this exciting possibility. We imagined lining up push-polls and flying all over the country. We imagined using political party money to buy whole new wardrobes.
What’s not to like?
We imagined Art Scatter as the Mouthpiece of America to get the Good Word out about how art is, like, a really great thing, you know? We would stump on the Cultah Platform and hone sharp talking points using clever mottoes like:
Make art, not war.
As Mr. Scatter reached for his BlackBerry to call the League of Tough-Guy Arts Observers for a recommendation about a campaign manager, a hairy head poked around the corner and said, “What’s for dinner?” Followed closely by, “We’re outta milk.”
Mr. Scatter and I looked at each other and suddenly realized we had a slight liability. Two, actually.
And let’s just come straight out with it and say they’re really not very slight. Because they’re Large. And Smelly. And they happen to be our Boys.
When Mr. Scatter said months ago that he didn’t mind if the boys shagged out for the summer, I said, “Please tell me you’re talking about their hair.” Fortunately, he was. I wasn’t keen on the idea, but, alas, I consented. The boys now look like total mopheads. How were we to know they might have to be paraded before the adoring American public?
But then I realized that chauffeured limousines and a security detail would mean our sons wouldn’t need driver’s licenses for several years, and I immediately picked up my BlackBerry and punched in “barber” as my brain started running through which significant cultural site would make the best photo op to make the big announcement. The Portland Center for the Performing Arts? The Armory? Portlandia? That really nifty sculpture of Three Groins in a Fountain in front of the Standard Insurance building?
My index finger was poised to hit SEND when I realized we had even bigger trouble on our hands. It wasn’t just the hair. It wasn’t just because the Large Smelly Boys occasionally need reminders to brush their teeth and shampoo their hair.
Our high hopes for the White House were dashed when I realized that not one, but both of our sons have the great misfortune of not being pregnant.
But the real clincher? The one that made us put aside our BlackBerries and rethink our dreams of sticking an Eames chair in the Lincoln Bedroom? We could not imagine the Large Smelly Boys standing on stage at the inauguration wearing adorable coats from J. Crew.
Colorful ribbons in their hair? Matching socks that haven’t been shredded? Not gonna happen.
Mr. Scatter and I sighed. I got up to rummage in the cheese bin in the fridge to figure out a dinner plan while Mr. Scatter picked up his car keys to go buy milk. As he opened the front door, I called after him, “Who’s this Jane person?”
He hollered back, “I dunno. Beats me. How many gallons should I buy? Three or four?”
TO BE CONTINUED …
Next time: The weird happenstances and who is this mysterious Jane?
– Laura Grimes
September 9th, 2009 at 9:27 am
So now you’ve gone from “goofy off-topic stuff” to writing in the suspense genre. C’mon, we need your best Paul Harvey imitation …”and that’s the rest of the story.”
September 9th, 2009 at 10:54 am
He’s dead, isn’t he?
September 10th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
When I was growing up, my father came home for lunch everyday, and everyday my parents would listen to Paul Harvey on the radio. He and Laura Grimes, President-to-be, have nothing in common. And that’s the way it is.
September 11th, 2009 at 11:03 am
OK, I’m at work, listening to a reader asking why “The Young and the Restless” isn’t on and why tennis is (it’s the U.S. Open semifinals), reading along and you leave me hanging. Good Lord Almighty. You used to finish your stories in one take when you told them at work. So Mr. Scatter went to get milk. You’re figuring out a dinner plan and you can’t finish this for two days?? Seems to me you’ve had dinner(s), made (more) meal plans, have been in and out of the house. Are you packed and headed east too, or did you stay with two LSB who are going to school? If you’re home and they’re in school, why are you keeping us hanging? Patience may be a virtue, but I’d prefer an ending.
September 11th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Oh, so now you’re the Young and the Impatient, are you? This new job thang keeps getting in the way of my blogging hobby. I nearly wrote habit, but that would imply addiction, and I would hate to set a bad example for all the school children out there and dash my future political hopes of giving a speech to inspire them. Besides, Mr. Scatter, the brains behind this operation, insists on posting thinky things, and I’d hate to get in the way of THAT. Again, future political aspirations being such as they are.