Proof that baseball’s steroid scandal is centuries old!
Hercules, All-Star slugging first baseman of the Rome Rubicons, has been caught with his pants down and his pectorals up. Fabled for his ability to club that old apple of the Hesperides, Herc — known as Herakles when he played in the Greek League — was considered a shoo-in for the Hall of Fame. That is, until ace Dutch sports photog Hendrick Goltzius caught him in this candid pose, steroidal muscles rippling in the breeze, and tattletale slugger Jose Canseco outed him in his 17th best-selling tell-all about the steroid scandal, Too Strong To Be True: How Herc REALLY Beat the Monster Cacus.
Hercules, denying he had ever used drugs of any kind, attributed his buffness to his faithful following of the Roger Clemens Workout Method. He blamed the scandal-mongering Roman press for his tribulations.
“Can’t you guys just shut up and enjoy the game?” he said at a hastily arranged press conference. “I’ve had it with this two-bit town. It’s getting so a guy can’t knock the ol’ apple over seven hills 70 or 80 times a season without somebody casting aspersions.”
He revealed that he was in advanced negotiations with American minor-league mogul Merritt Paulson to bat cleanup for Paulson’s Beaverton Beavers of the Dubious League. According to a source close to the negotiations, Portland mayor Sam Adams was offering to sweeten the deal with a 15-year historical-preservation tax abatement and free rent at Memorial Coliseum if the famed slugger would agree to spend a couple of hours a week chasing petition-gatherers away from Pioneer Courthouse Square.
“I’m gonna sign,” Hercules said. “Just as soon as I’m done with these damned twelve labors.”
August 5th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
thank god it’s only his pectorals that are up…
Shocking, the amount of frontal nudity being posted on art scatter. And if ‘ol Herk could get pregnant, he’d know what labors really mean…
August 6th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Interesting that Hercules defeated Cacus, the fire-breathing monster and son of Vulcan. Vulcan, as in Paul Allen’s company that owns the Blazers and runs the Rose Quarter. Coincidence or conspiracy? And MUW’s right: What’s with all the full frontal these days? I thought we agreed “semper ubi sub ubi.”
August 6th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Sorry about the frontal nudity, sort of. Yes, we believe in semper ubi sub ubi, but only in our personal lives. Professionally, we must uncover the news wherever it takes us!
Actually, we’ve been thinking of instituting a Page 3 feature to, umm, goose readership of Art Scatter. If only we could figure out how to do a “page” in virtual space …
Martha, I’ll bet you’re right: Hercules would probably do 48 labors before submitting to childbirth. And, MTC, an excellent connection with Vulcan. There it was, right in front of my nose, and I missed it! I am shamefaced.
August 6th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
chuckle…
August 7th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
Bulging sinews and dangling participles aside, close readers will note that this is a NEW Mr. Scatter! Yes! He has walked on the side of the far-fetched fact and come up with a juiced-up post. Steroids? Bring ‘em on.
August 8th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Oh Miss Laura, you are too too much, dangling participles indeed.
August 8th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Mr. Scatter is still getting used to this far-fetched fact business. He was honestly horrified to think he might have committed a grammatical sin. “What dangling participle?” he demanded.
“Uh, Honey …”
August 9th, 2009 at 7:52 am
Oh NOW I get it. Ernest Hemingway and F. Scott Fitzgerald were really discussing the subjunctive pluperfect when they met in that bathroom in Paris in the 1920s…
March 5th, 2010 at 12:03 pm
Hubida Hubida Hubida